The Legendary Queen of Rock n Roll (pandorasparkle) wrote in listeners,
The Legendary Queen of Rock n Roll
pandorasparkle
listeners

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something's gotta change

I'm not sure if this is a mood swing or not, but every once in a while I feel as if this particular person in my life doesn't know me as well as he used to. I've changed in the past few months, rather dramatically, and I don't think he's noticed. I mean, when there are obvious things wrong, it's hard to talk to him at my house because my computer (which is his stereo now it seems) is a huge distraction. I once told him that this Live Journal was a great way to get in my head and understand me better, he hasn't even looked at it, unless I "try to hide it" like my father, he seems to notice me when I'm in trouble.

Here's my laundry list of complaints:

1.) He picks on my driving. He claims I'm "oversensitive" about it. Maybe I am. Whenever he tries to "help me out" he really talks down to me (I think he likes the feeling of being in control of something). My father is a great driver, and Grandaddy told my mother before he died this year that he was so proud of me for getting my license. I felt so accomplished, like I had done something Leslie never did, and when he talks to me like that, he makes me feel like I should quit kidding myself about being good at it, because I'll never be as good as him.

2.) We don't talk anymore. We used to talk until some early hour in the morning about anything and everything. He would listen to my poetry ....and he said it was the most beautiful stuff he'd heard. He once wrote in an old journal he used to keep: "she has the voice of the most innocent girl-child" We would talk about his family, my family, EVERYTHING, and we would support each other, he was too scared to tear me down then, I guess.

3.) There's always something more I wish he would say. In any given situation or conversation, I'm always left with my mind comparing him to some higher standard. So, I'm left thinkng "why didn't he say that?"

4.) He never emails me back. I'll write him lengthy letters in class or email him. And not once have I gotten a reply, just a "yeah, things will be ok" or "aww, honey, the stuff you sadi was sweet"

5.) He calls this other girl "Darling" right in front of me and puts his arm around her. To hell eith that. I would never do a thing like that to him. I thought he only called me "Darling" anyway.

6.) I'm always the one "getting over it". I'm always the one geting over some situation....he's got that "whether you like it or not" attitude about a few things. I've had to get over him cheating on me, him ready to move his life to Texas to shack up with the Rottweiler leaving me with a very heavy burden, then changing his mind, me living with his one foot out of the door, his pot (though he said if I wanted him to, he'd quit) and his alcohol, among other things. What does he have to get over? JOHN? Oh you poor poor boy, your little girlfriend was attacked, raped, threatened, as well as scared half to death of leaving her house alone....but of course that took a toll on our realtionship back in the day...yeah, poor poor boy. My heart goes out to him.

Jesus, I'm so drained from letting all of this out...I know I seem like I hate him right now. I don't..in order to make the realtionship better or heal faster...I had to let it out somehow.
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